Distraction

I've lost count on the "lesson" numbers and the quotes, but since this is no longer a blog about "what I've learned in nursing school" and more about the lessons nursing is teaching me, I decided to change the format a little.  I'm still looking for a new blog name, so suggestions are welcome. :)

So here is today's lesson. 

My preceptor had a patient today who has dementia.  Early this morning while we were helping one of our other patients, he was out roaming the hall peeking into other rooms.  He was completely disoriented all day. It didn't matter how many times she escorted him back to his room, he wandered back out. She would take him back and no sooner than she would get back to the nurses station, the bed alarm was going off again. 

You could tell his mind was full of words he wanted to say, but couldn't get out.  You could see his frustration when he tried to explain to us things we could not understand. All he wanted to do was make sense of what was going on, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't...

There wasn't anyone available to sit with him, so my preceptor decided the next best thing was to take him to the nurses station.  And when I say she brought him to the nurses station, I mean he sat next to me, at my designated desk, IV pole and all. It's slightly comical when I imagine it now, I felt like it was bring your friend to work day.  We tried to entertain him with magaizines and a puzzle, but neither worked.  So we got out some washcloths and he finally sat there. 

He folded them meticulously. Fixing each wrinkle, and refolding the ones that were not perfect squares.  He placed them neatly in a pile, one on top of the other. When he finished he patted the top and looked over for approval.  We said thank you, and I pretended to take them to the linen closet to put them away. I secretly unfolded them all and brought them back again.  We repeated this process many times over.

I realized then that when we are lost and confused, sometimes all we need is the silent company of others and a temporary distraction to keep our mind from the thoughts that consume and frustrate us. 

For some of us it's cooking, writing, or getting lost in a good book.  Others prefer a long nap or a great movie.  Some like wine or dancing, and for others maybe it's folding washcloths.

I've heard people say before that distractions are bad, and just a way to avoid the inevitable truth. I disagree.  These distractions are not meant to be a permanent fix but a temporary way to give our tired hearts a break. Sometimes a distraction is all we need to ease our mind and give us a moment to focus on something other than our troubles.  

"It is what it is."

I have a really bad habit of wanting to take broken pieces and fix them immediately. Maybe that is why I love nursing, because it's the profession of taking care of, fixing, and making people feel better. Truth is, not every thing that appears broken is, and even if it were, sometimes it doesn't need to be fixed. 

I especially do this in my personal life. I like harmony, and when the littlest ripple is created, in my otherwise peaceful state of mind, I instantly begin looking for resolution. 

I had a patient this Tuesday who was scheduled for a below the knee amputation that afternoon.  It was cancelled last minute because he wasn't stable enough to handle the surgery.  

It was such a cliche and simple quote, but one that I give credit to in helping me with some recent disappointments. 

I went into his room to turn him, and he immediately smiled at me.  I was surprised because for most of the day he was sleeping. When he wasn't asleep, he was short with his words, answering only my questions.  I asked him how he was feeling and he said "ok." I then asked him if he was disappointed that his surgery was cancelled. He replied with, "It is what it is. I'm going to get it eventually, whether it be today, tomorrow, or a week from now." 

I smiled back at him and asked if he cared if I stayed a while to chat.  He didn't object, so I stayed and we talked for the next 20 minutes about fishing. I know our chat was more beneficial to me than it was to him. 

Sometimes situations are what they are, nothing more, nothing less.  Sometimes there is nothing we can do to immediately fix things to be the way we think they should be and sometimes time is all that is required for things to work themselves out. 

Until that time, it's better to focus on and talk about things that make you happy...like bass fishing in the summertime on the sand bar.  <3

The Dreaded NCLEX

I'm not going to tip-top around the topic, I failed my boards today.  It's not officially posted yet, but I'm sure when it is, I'll feel this terrible all over again. 

I didn't go in overly confident, but I felt like I knew my core content. I didn't spend 6 hours a day studying, but I reviewed at least 3 times a week since graduating and studied the week prior. I honestly felt I had as good as shot at passing today as anyone else who has graduated from nursing school. 

Yeah, didn't happen. 

I can sit with myself in my failure. The hardest part is knowing how many people had confidence in me and believed I could do something that I obviously didn't do.  Disappointing myself is one thing, but disappointing friends, family, co-workers, bosses, teachers/instructors and my school is a bit harder to swallow and quite frankly, it sucks really *explicit word* bad. 

What I would really like to do today is crawl into a hole and disappear for a little while.  I know it sounds dramatic, but after 16 months of really hard work, I just wanted to feel accomplished today, and instead, I feel like a complete moron. 

I know tomorrow when I go to work, I'm going to feel even worse having to look at and talk to everyone about it. But, I also know that a test cannot measure my compassion and care for others nor my determination to succeed.  

So, today I will have my pity party, and beat myself up over it, and perhaps find a hole somewhere to crawl into. However, I won't pack up and stay there. I have too much left to do :)