To Die Alone and Happy

A patient of mine, a few weeks ago, inspired me to me think about whether or not it is possible to die both alone and happy. More so, she forced me to think about whether or not I let the love, or lack of love, I receive from others define me. 

She was alone, but was she okay and content in the last quiet moments she held with only herself? Did she need someone there to validate the life she lived? Did she need reassurance that she was important and worthy and loved? If she did, there wasn't anyone there to do it...except the medical staff, complete strangers. 

And isn't that what we all want? To be important to someone, to be loved by the people we love, to have meaningful friendships/relationships with others? 

And it hurts when we realize we cannot force nor demand love. It hurts when the people who you think are supposed to care, don't.  When the people you hold closest to your heart, hardly acknowledge your existence.

I've experienced this many times, starting with my biological mother. Emotions regarding that non-existent relationship continued on and poured into other faucets of my life.  And those emotions are vicious cycle, especially if you feed the insecurities and the chronic self doubt while constantly desiring the love of someone else to define your worth.  It can eat you alive. It can literally destroy you. 

My patient died the next day. I was left wondering for days, and even now, about whether or not she was content in her own skin and comfortable enough with herself to die alone. Its not ideal to think about laying in a hospital bed, staring at white walls, listening to the occasional beeping of an IV pump while you die but did she "need" someone there? Did she need the presence of another being in order to feel at peace? To feel loved?

Maybe she didn't have friends or family in the area. Maybe they were too busy. 

My hope for her, and what I would like to believe is that she was okay... That she was at peace with the person she had become over her lifetime.  I hope that she was so comfortable with herself and confident in her character that being alone didn't make her feel any less cared for, less loved or less of a human. 

And while love is one of the greatest emotions we will ever feel, give and receive, the reality of death is that even with the physical presence of others, we all die alone. 

I plan to start living in such a way that the approval, reassurance, and love of others does not define me. That my value does not decrease just because others may not recognize it. 

Loving yourself is what I think it means to die happy.  Because in the end, we are alone... and if we don't love ourselves, the love we receive from others becomes meaningless.